Opening: A makeup counter in a department store. A youngish cosmetics
clerk (Nicole Sullivan) stands behind the counter. She
is wearing a light blue blazer, apparently some type of uniform, and
a red dress. A female
customer of perhaps fifty-five is looking at one of the displays. The
clerk approaches the customer.
Cosmetics Clerk: Hi! Welcome to Vancome. How may I help you?
Customer #1: Hi. I'm looking to buy a lipstick.
Cosmetics Clerk: OK, we got our newest color; we just came out with a rose; let me just try this out on you.
[She starts to apply the lipstick on Customer #1's lips, but suddenly stops.]
Cosmetics Clerk: Shaaaaah - you know what?
Customer #1: What?
Cosmetics Clerk: Mnnn - uh! Yeah. No, it's not going to work out. You see, your lips are just way too thin. See, we here at Vancome, we wouldn't feel comfortable putting our name on those things. [Pause.] Well, OK, thanks for stopping by Vancome. Take care. Bye bye. Thank you.
[Customer #1 walks away from the counter but does not leave the set. Cosmetics clerk saunters over to the other side of the counter, where a youngish black male (Phil LaMarr) is looking at the display.]
Cosmetics Clerk: Hi! Welcome to Vancome. How may I help you?
Customer #2: Yeah, I'm looking for a gift for my wife.
Cosmetics Clerk: Oh, you're just so considerate. OK, let me ask you a question: is your wife an Afro-American as well?
Customer #2 (taken somewhat aback, but maintaining composure): Yes, she is.
Cosmetics Clerk (sighing): Shaaaah - you know what? Mnnn - uh! Yeah, no, it's not going to work. See, we here at Vancome, we don't specialize in blacks. But thanks for stopping by! Thanks so much. Sorry. Take care. Bye bye. OK. Thank you.
[Customer #2, looking ticked off, walks away. Cosmetics clerk makes her way back to the other side of the counter, where she talked to the first customer. A rather diminutive Hispanic woman stands near the counter, looking at the display.]
Cosmetics Clerk (to Customer #3, the Hispanic woman): Hi! Welcome to Vancome. How may I help you?
Customer #3 (with a Hispanic accent): Yes, thank you. I would like to look at your different colors of blanche. I have a party to go to...
Cosmetics Clerk (cutting her off): OK, ma'am, ma'am, I'm sorry; I don't understand your accent.
Customer #3: I said, I have a party to go to...
Cosmetics Clerk: OK, ma'am, ma'am, we speak English at Vancome. English!
Customer #3: But I am speaking English!
Cosmetics Clerk (sighing): Yeah, no, you're gonna have to go now.
Customer #3: Excuse me, you're being very rude...
Cosmetics Clerk (drowning out Customer #3, who continues to speak): Va mousse (sic?), por favor, thank you, bye bye. I can't understand you! [She puts her fingers over her ears.] La la la la! La la la la!
The cosmetics clerk's boss (Mary Scheer) rounds the corner on the right and approaches the makeup counter. She is wearing a blazer similar to that worn by the clerk, but it beige rather than light blue. She walks right up to the clerk.
Boss: What is going on here?
Customer #1, who had been watching the proceedings nearby, again approaches the cosmetics counter, standing next to Customer #3.
Customer #1: I can tell you exactly what is happening! She was very rude to this poor woman; she made racial remarks; she has treated her horribly and earlier, she insulted me!
Boss (to customers): I am so sorry. [To clerk:] Kathy, this isn't the first time this has happened. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You're fired.
[Cosmetics clerk leans her head back, and rolls her eyes, looking towards the ceiling. Finally, she speaks.]
Cosmetics Clerk (after a long pause): OK! Thanks so much for employing me here at Vancome! OK, great. Thank you very much. Thanks. Take care! Bye bye. Thank you. OK.
Cosmetics clerk leaves the set. Boss has now taken Kathy's place behind the counter and attempts to serve the Hispanic woman.
Boss: Now, how can I help you?
Customer #3: Yes, thank you very much. I would like to look at your different colors of blanche...
Boss: I'm sorry; I can't understand you. We speak English here at Vancome.
Customer #3 (exasperated): But I am speaking English! What is the matter with you people?!
Boss: Ooooh - [shakes her head, then puts her hands over her ears, in the same fashion as the clerk:] la la la la! La la la la!
Customer #3 (speaks as Boss attempts to drown her out): Don't you start with the "la la la"...[continues to speak, but it is drowned out by Boss]
[Studio audience applauds; fade to black.]