[Opening: A typical
auditorium. A play is being rehearsed, and apparently it is a Christmas
play. Two men stand on the stage: the taller of the pair (Orlando Jones)
is apparently one of the three wise men, and the shorter man (Phil LaMarr)
is holding a staff, and is supposed to be Joseph, the father of Jesus.
A script girl (Debra Wilson) is also present, seated in a folding
chair, seemingly engrossed in the script. The men act out a scene from the
pageant:]
Wise Man (extending his arms out ridiculously): Joseph, I travel far and wide, over hill and dale, from Bethlehem, to bring my gift to the newborn king.
Joseph: Your visit honors us, o wise man. I shall summon my wife, who is now wrapping the babe in swaddling clothing. Mary, we have a visitor! [When Mary doesn't arrive, he calls again:] Mary! Mary?
[Mary, mother of Jesus, enters from the right, and she is Kathy, a.k.a. the Vancome Lady (Nicole Sullivan). She is attired in a long blue dress. A white veil covers the back of her head, and she has on gold earrings, blue eye shadow and high-heeled shoes with a silver finish. She is carrying a baby doll in her right arm.]
Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - you know what? The virgin has arrived!
Wise Man (to the producer of the play): Hey Frank, now, who is this?
Joseph: What happened to the other Mary?
[Frank (Dave Herman) gets up from his seat and approaches the trio.]
Frank: Now calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down. I made a last-minute casting change, OK?
Wise Man (pulling down his beard): Yeah, more like a casting couch change!
Vancome Lady (to Wise Man): OK, if you don't like it, you can take that missletoe and hang it over my ass.
Frank: Kathy, in fairness you were late on your cue; you're supposed to come in with the other two wise men. Where are the other two wise men?
Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - you know what? Un-uh! Yeah, I wrote them out of the script. Sure, they had plenty of gifts for the baby Jesus, but none for yours truly, cheap bastards.
Script Girl (standing up): Oh, I can do the wise men's parts - I know all their lines.
Vancome Lady: OK, are you sure you can act in a scene that doesn't have a money shot? I mean, the lines aren't, "Ooooh, give me more, big boy."
[Script Girl makes a leering facial gesture at Kathy and sits down again.]
Joseph: Please, can we just get back to work?
Vancome Lady: Excuse me, Chaka Khan, who died and made you king of the tribe?
Joseph: I'll have you know, in my country, I was a doctor!
Vancome Lady: You must have made a very good living, then! What's the going rate - three beads per shrunken head?
Frank: Alright, alright! Let's get on with it, OK?
Wise Man: Yes, please, I cannot be late for my meeting.
Vancome Lady: Meeting? Oh, he's the lush we're not supposed to talk about! [raises a finger to her lip in a shushing gesture.]
Frank (to Vancome Lady): Kathy, I told you not to say anything!
Wise Man: It's OK; it's OK! I'm a recovering alcoholic; I do not have a problem with that.
Vancome Lady: Well, that's great. Then we should get him to his meeting - we wouldn't want him to miss the Twelve Steps of Christmas. [Singing: ] Twelve drunks a-puking, eleven co-dependants, ten days in rehab -
Frank: OK, Kathy, we get it -
Vancome Lady [still singing]: Five DUIs! [Spoken: ] Yeah, everybody!
Frank: Places, everybody, please! [Frank walks off the stage and takes a seat. The rehearsal resumes.]
Joseph [to Wise Man]: But why do you honor us with your visit, oh wise men - wise man?
Wise Man: I bring you the gift of gold!
Vancome Lady: Good thing it wasn't a case of Queervolg Gold; otherwise it never would have made it here!
Wise Man [as he discards bits of his costume in disgust]: You know what - that's it! I quit! I cannot work with this woman!
[Wise man exits.]
Vancome Lady: OK, why don't you follow the North Star to the porcelain god? That's probably where he does most of his praying anyhow! [Puts a finger in her mouth] Bleeeh!
[Suddenly the script girl leaps up from her seat to stand beside Joseph
and the Vancome Lady.]
Script Girl: OK, I'm ready to fill in because I know his part.
Vancome Lady: OK, that's true. I saw them backstage and I could see that she was intimately acquainted with his "part."
Script Girl: That's not true; we were just talking.
Vancome Lady: OK, don't you know it's not polite to talk with your mouth full?
[Script girl puts her hand over her mouth as a gesture of embarassment and runs off the stage and exits the set entirely. Cut to Frank, still seated in the first row, who waves his right hand in a gesture of disgust.]
Frank: OK, while we still have some actors left, let's go to page twenty-one, to the angel scene.
Vancome Lady: OK; excuse me.
[Joseph steps to the right as a young boy dressed as an angel enters from the right and moves towards him. Kathy moves to the left a few steps, away from the boy.]
Boy: Hi. I am the angel of the Lord. I have appeared before you to bring the -
Vancome Lady: Shaaah - you know what? Un-uh! Yeah, no. If that's the best acting you can do, you better pray for some kidney problems or something. Then at least you might stay cute for a few more years. OK, Webster, bye-bye! Thank you! [The boy, obviously on the verge of tears as a result of Kathy's insult, turns and begins to leave.] Shoo! Shoo! Thank you. Fly away! That's it! [The boy exits.]
Joseph: Frank, can you explain to me why we are wasting all of our time with this, this, this bimbo?!
Vancome Lady: OK, sir, I can't seem to understand your accent - why don't you tap out a message to me on your bongo drums?
Joseph: Bongo?! You are an imbecile! You have no understanding of acting, and your references are -
Vancome Lady [not waiting for Joseph to finish, and drowning out his comments]: OK, sir, I can't talk to you. Lalalala! Lalalala! Bye-bye. Don't put a hex on me.
Joseph [holding up his arms in a gesture of resignation]: I quit!
[Joseph exits.]
Vancome Lady [turning to the baby doll]: Oh, wave bye-bye, baby Jesus! Another deadbeat dad!
Frank: You happy Kathy? Are you happy now, because you destroyed the entire production! You know what, I don't even want to see you again!
Vancome Lady: OK! Well, thanks so much for letting play be in your little Christmas pageant, and thanks for sharing your yule log with me!
Frank: You know what, Kathy, if you were Jesus's mother, he would have nailed himself to the cross.
[Frank exits.]
Vancome Lady: Wow! OK! [Short pause. Discarding the baby doll, singing: ] Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa lalalala... [puts her fingers in her ears in classic Vancome style when she gets to the "lalalala" part. She walks off the stage and turns to the left, exiting the set as the scene fades out.]