Scripts: Vancoma

(Originally aired April 25, 1998)

[Opening: A room in the intensive care ward of a hospital. A doctor (Aries Spears) and a nurse (Debra Wilson) hover over an unconscious patient.]

Doctor: Such a shame. She seemed so young, so innocent.

[Cut to patient, who comes into view for the first time - it's the Vancome Lady (Nicole Sullivan).]

Vancome Lady (thinking - that's right, she can think even though she's unconscious): Chyeah, you know what? Uh-uh.

Nurse: Well, it's kind of hard to tell with all the work she's had done. I'm gonna need a chisel to get all that makeup off.

Vancome Lady: Watch it there, Moesha. I may be in a coma, but I'm not deaf.

Nurse: Doctor, do you think she knows we're here?

Vancome Lady: With that breath, I knew when you left your house.

Doctor: I just don't understand. Why would a ninety-year-old Hassidic man want to beat this woman into a coma?

Vancome Lady: All I said was, "Is that your nose, or did the Queen Mary just dock on your face?"

[A priest (Lou Diamond Phillips) enters the room, carrying a bible.]

Priest (with Irish accent): Excuse me. I'm here for the last rites.

Vancome Lady: Don't you mean "last call," your alcoholicness?

[Priest briefly sprays his mouth with Binaca, presumably to disguise the smell of alcohol.]

Priest: I'm sorry I'm late. I was - I was administering to another poor soul.

Vancome Lady: Hard to tear yourself away from the children's wing, was it?

Doctor: Well, there's been no change in her condition.

Priest: Oh, mercy. I suppose it's in God's hands now.

Vancome Lady: And I suppose that's what you told little Timmy about twenty minutes ago.

Nurse: You know, I just - I wish there was something I can do. I feel so helpless. I mean, all my life, even as a child, I've wanted to dedicate myself to saving lives.

Doctor: That is exactly what I admire about you...

Vancome Lady (the Doctor continues his blandishments, but the Vancome Lady's thoughts drown him out): La la la! OK, you know what? Oh, la la - OK, you know what? Why don't you two get a room?

[The Vancome Lady's mother (Alex Borstein) enters the room. She looks like a middle-aged version of the Vancome Lady; she is shorter than Kathy, and has red hair instead of blonde hair, and wears eyeglasses, but she is bedecked in cheap clothes not unlike the type of clothes that the Vancome Lady usually wears.]

Mrs. Wadjinowsky: Oh, my God, Kathy! Is she alive?

Doctor: Yes, yes.

Nurse: Excuse me. Who are you?

Mrs. Wadjinowsky: Nnn. Well, if you promnise it won't go beyond the room, I'm her mother.

Vancome Lady: The question is, which one of the privates at Fort Bragg was my father?

Priest: Oh, you poor, poor thing. [Hugging Mrs. Wadjinowsky:] There's no greater tragedy than a parent losing a child. [As he hugs her with one arm, he reaches down with his other arm and fondles her buttocks.]

Mrs Wadjinowsky: Well, Father, if it were any other child, I might agree with you. Now, let's just pull the plug. [She approaches the life-support system.]

Vancome Lady: OK, OK, you know what? Keep Mrs. Kevorkian away from that thing.

Doctor: You know, that's totally not necessary. She's just in a coma. She could come out any second.

Mrs. Wadjinowsky: OK. Then, in other words, we really have no time to lose. So do you literally pull a plug on this thing, or is there some kind of switch?

[Suddenly, the Vancome Lady regains consciousness, and sits up in bed.]

Vancome Lady: Chyeah. You know what? Uh-uh.

Nurse: Oh, my God. She's awake.

Vancome Lady: Oh. OK, I guess Nurse Ratchet-head is officially in charge of the obvious.

Mrs. Wadjinowsky: Well, we had our chance. But this idiot here had to get all Hippocratic on me.

Priest: Madam, you have no right to call this doctor an idiot.

Vancome Lady: Yeah, and this idiot has no right to call himself a doctor.

Mrs. Wadjinowsky: Mmm. Now, there you go, Father. Here's your argument for birth control.

Nurse: I can't believe you two talk to each other this way. For God's sakes, you're mother and daughter.

Vancome Lady: And I can't believe the way you two talk to each other when you thought a wasn't listening. "Oh, yes, yes, that's it, Doctor." "Watch the teeth, Nurse. I don't wanna scream and wake up the coma lady."

Mrs. Wadjinowsky: Question: if we pull the plug now, can we still kill her?

Priest: In heaven's name, woman, listen to yourself. This is your daughter your talkin' about. [Sits beside the Vancome Lady and hugs her with his left arm.]

Vancome Lady: Exactly.

Priest: Your child. [He reaches with his left hand and fondles the Vancome Lady's left breast.] I know that she must make your life difficult, but you and I both know - [squeezes her breast again]

Vancome Lady: Yeah.

Priest: - that deep down, she is an adorable sweet ray of sunshine.

Vancome Lady: OK.

Priest: For you see, despite what they do -

Vancome Lady: Mm-hmm.

Priest: - the children love us -

Vancome Lady: Yeah.

Priest: - and we in turn, must love the children. [He squeezes her breast a third time.]

Vancome Lady: OK, OK, OK. Excuse me, Father Fellatio. From your actions, I can tell that your crucifix swings both ways, if you know what I mean.

[The priest punches the Vancome Lady, who lapses back into unconsciousness.]

Priest: Oh, mercy, what have I gone and done?

Doctor: She's back in the coma.

Nurse: Hallelujah! It's a miracle.

Mrs. Wadjinowsky: Let's go buy you kids a drink.

Priest: That sounds good.

Mrs. Wadjinowsky: On me.

Nurse: Good. Let's hurry up before she comes out of it.

Mrs. Wadjinowsky: Mm-hmm.

[The doctor, nurse, priest, and Kathy's mother all exit the room. But Kathy's mother sneaks back to the room after the others have left.]

Vancome Lady (thinking): What are you gonna do now, go through my purse for some loose change? [Kathy's mother approaches the life-support system and reaches behind it to unplug it.] Hey, what are you - what are you doing the - [as she pulls the plug, a continuous beep emanates from one of the machines] - Chyeah. You know what? This looks like trouble.

[The caption "TO BE CONTINUED" appears on the screen; then the scene fades to black.]