[Opening: A game show set. The contestants are seated on either side
of a podium, which is unattended. The lights are slightly dimmed as
the game show starts...]
[Opening: A game show set. The contestants are seated on either side
of a podium, which is unattended. The lights are slightly dimmed as
the game show starts...]
Announcer: The Game Show Network is proud to present the newest game in its game show family...Now please welcome your host, Ms. Kathy Wadjinowsky.
[The theme song plays as the Vancome Lady (Nicole Sullivan) enters the set and approaches the podium.]
Singer (offstage, singing): Tcha, you know what/Tcha, you know what/Tcha you know, you know, you know, tcha, you know what.
Vancome Lady: Thank you, thank you. (Applause) O.K., O.K., pipe down. O.K., thank you. Welcome to Tcha You Know What? Watch out, Pat Sajak. Send Vanna to the glue factory, 'cause the hostess with the mostest has arrived. O.K., it's time to meet out players. On my left we have Jay Smith. Jay, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Jay (Pat Kilbane): Well, Kathy, I'm a lieutenant in the Marine Corps, and I'm proud to say I'm serving my country and keeping our borders safe.
Vancome Lady: Not too safe, I hope. I need my lawn mowed once a week. Ha ha ha ha! [A puzzled look crosses Jay's face.] Now let's meet your challenger. You are...
[Cut to the other contestant (Michael McDonald).]
Billy: Hello, Kathy, I'm Billy O'Shanahan, and I'm from Dublin, Ireland.
Vancome Lady: O.K., producers, don't let this one drive home, if you know what I mean. [She pantomimes someone drinking.]
Billy: Don't start in on Ireland. There are a lot of wonderful things about us.
Vancome Lady: I'm sure there are, and the little modern conveniences like indoor plumbing and peace, well, there just overrated, anyway. But I'll tell you what, Lucky, we're gonna bring out your celebrity guest, see if we can't move you up the food chain just a little bit, O.K.? She is America's teen queen. And I'm not talking about Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Please put your hands together for Brandy.
Singer (offstage, singing): Tcha, you know what/Tcha, you know what/Tcha you know, you know, you know, tcha, you know what.
[Brandy (Debra Wilson) emerges and approaches the podium on the left side.]
Brandy: It's really, really great to be here, and you know what? If it's O.K., I'd like to plug my new movie. It's called I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.
Vancome Lady: O.K., actually, Brandy, I do know what you did last summer and I want my hubcaps back. [Brandy flashes a look of disdain.] No, no, no. I'm just kidding. You can keep 'em. O.K., have a seat, have a seat. O.K., now we're going to meet our next star. He's an "A" list actor - [to someone offstage:] I thought we had Christian Slater. Oh, we do. We do. O.K. [Continuing with her introduction:] He has been in countless hit movies - now we're just being a little cruel. Let's bring the poor guy out. Christian Slater.
Singer (offstage, singing): Tcha, you know what/Tcha, you know what...
[Christian Slater (Andrew Bowen) emerges and approaches the podium on the right side.]
Christian Slater: Thank you. I - I also have a movie coming out. It's called Very Bad Things.
Vancome Lady: Very Bad Things. Now, what is that, just a list of all the other movies you've done? Have a seat. O.K., here are the rules. It is played just like Password, only it's called Tcha, You Know What?. We have ten seconds on the clock. Brandy, would you like to give or receive?
Brandy: Receive.
Vancome Lady: Do what you know best, right, honey? O.K., let's show the folks at home the word. [The word "PIANO" appears on the screen.] Oh, you know what, Johnny? For those in the south, why don't we just go ahead and read it?
Johnny (offstage): Tcha, you know what? The word is "piano."
Vancome Lady: Ten seconds, and...go.
Billy: Black.
Vancome Lady: Oh, hold it right there Mr. Lucky Charms. Enough with the name-calling, O.K.? This is a game. The clock's a-tickin'.
Brandy: No, he was giving me a clue.
Vancome Lady: Oh, while he's at it, he might want to give your hairdresser a clue. Oh, what a tangled web he weaves.
Brandy: Nun-uh. Nun-uh, OK? This is not a weave.
Vancome Lady: Please, Raggedy Brandy. Look at that yarn. I mean, the boy may be yours, but the hair sure isn't.
Billy: Shut up and let us play.
Vancome Lady: He's a fiesty Irishman. Go ahead.
Billy: Keys.
Brandy: Door?
Vancome Lady: Oh, my goodness! The word is piano, Brandy. Honest - [Buzzer sounds.] Judges, I'm sorry. We have Brandy and an Irish drunk, for God's sakes. How are they supposed to get it?
Billy: I am not
a drunk, and I don't appreciate your - painting
us with such a broad brush - I'm not gonna -
Vancome Lady (drowning him out): Lalalala, lalalala...
Billy: I don't like that one bit. I don't like it at all.
Vancome Lady: Thank you very much. Thank you and...cease.
Brandy: You know what? This really isn't very fair.
Vancome Lady: You know what? You're right, actually. The baby-killer should get stuck with you, too. O.K., switch teams, Blandy.
Jay (protesting): No, no. I...would rather play with Christian.
Vancome Lady: I'm sure you would, but...you know what? Don't ask, don't tell. Thanks.
Singer (offstage, singing): Tcha, you know what/Tcha, you know what...
[Brandy and Christian Slater switch places as the theme music plays.]
Christian Slater: It's sort of weird that I came here just to sit around and do nothing.
[The Vancome Lady approaches Christian Slater and leans toward him, as if to whisper something.]
Vancome Lady (whispering but audible): Why don't you pretend it's the Oscars?
Vancome Lady: Okey-doke, we have ten seconds on the clock. What is the word, Johnny?
[The word "FUNNY" appears on the screen.]
Johnny: Tcha, you know what? The word is "funny."
Vancome Lady: Ohm whoa, whoa. I'm gonna stop the game right there. I've seen Brandy on Moesha, and there's no way she's gonna get the word "funny."
Brandy: Excuse me. Are you kidding?
Vancome Lady: Wish I were, Bloesha.
[A horn sounds.]
Vancome Lady: Oh. That horn means it's time for our speed round. [Looking towards Christian Slater:] Oh, but not the kind of speed you were hoping for. Sorry, Christian.
Brandy: Tcha, you know what? You can't talk to us like this.
Vancome Lady: Tcha, you know what? You can't act. Now where are we?
[Both Christian Slater and Brandy approach the Vancome Lady.]
Christian Slater: Now, you just watch that.
Vancome Lady: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't hit me. I'm not your girlfriend, Christian.
Christian Slater: You know, Brandy, we don't need this crap.
Brandy: You know what? I'm with you, Christian. This is whack.
[Both Brandy and Christian Slater leave the set.]
Vancome Lady: Whack? That's a new word. O.K. The Mensa convention has left the building. Alright, contestants, your celebrity guests will be reading you clues. Whoever has the most points wins the car.
Billy: But our partners are gone.
Vancome Lady: Oh, well, it looks like you won't be winning, then, huh, mick?
Jay: You never even gave us a chance. I want to play.
Vancome Lady: O.K., then why don't you go ahead and solve this puzzle? F, blank, C-K yourself. No who wants to buy a vowel?
Billy: I'd like to buy a U, alright?
O.K., sit down, I get it. What are you gonna do with a car, blow it up, huh? Wel'll see you on Tcha You Know What next week. Thank you very much.
[Jay leaves the set, but Billy stays behind and continues to argue with the Vancome Lady as the title logo appears and the theme music plays.]
Singer (offstage, singing): Tcha, you know what/Tcha, you know what/Tcha you know, you know, you know, tcha, you know what.