Opening: A department store around
Christmas time. The action centers around a department store Santa, who is
seeing children in the center of the room. To the right rear is an elevator;
customers move on and off the elevator. Santa has a small child on his lap, as
her mother stands nearby. A few feet away, a small queue of parents with
children has formed. At the front of the line is a man (Phil LaMarr)
with his son.
Father: You excited to see Santa? (His son nods in assent) Remember to give him your list, OK?
Mark: I have it right here. Can I ask Santa for a Game Boy?
Father: Sure, Mark! You can ask him for anything you want to.
[Santa's helper turns around, and we quickly realize that it is Kathy, the Vancome Lady (Nicole Sullivan) - the same woman who was a cosmetics clerk and a hospital receptionist in earlier sketches. This time, she is wearing a red one-piece dress with white trim. She is also wearing a red Santa hat and red high-heeled shoes; the ensemble is completed with a pair of white gloves. Her hair is worn up, similar to the way it was in the previous sketch, but this time, a few tresses of hair hang loose; it is not as perfectly coiffed as it had been before. She addresses the child.]
Vancome Lady: Hi! Welcome to Melberry's Department Store. How may I help you?
Mark: I want to give Santa my list!
Vancome Lady (taking his list): Shaaaah - you know what? Un-uh! I'm sorry! I don't think Santa's gonna be able to see you today.
Father: Well, Mark has been waiting here for over an hour.
Vancome Lady: Yes, and I'm sure you've been a very good boy this year - it's just that Santa doesn't like children who are husky.
Mark: But I wanted to see Santa!
Vancome Lady (to Mark): Well, Porky, if you keep taking thirds and fourths, you will be Santa.
Father: What? How dare you -
Vancome Lady (ignoring him): Bye-bye. Thanks for stopping by Melberry's. Bye-bye. Thank you. OK. OK. Merry Christmas.
[The two walk towards the elevator.]Mark: She's got my list!
[The Vancome Lady tosses Mark's list on the floor; he snatches it up before he enters the elevator with his father. A second pair moves to the front of the queue; this time, it's a woman with her daughter.]Vancome Lady (to mother and daughter): Hi! Are you enjoying your shopping here at Melberry's?
Homeless Mother: Well, actually we're not shopping. I thought that meeting Santa Claus would make Danielle's Christmas a bit more fun.
Vancome Lady (to Danielle, with a mock sincerity): Yes, you would just love to meet old Santy Claus, wouldn't you?
Danielle: Yeah.
Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - you know what? Un-uh! I'm sorry; I don't think it's gonna work out. You see, Santa only has a few rules, but one of them is that he doesn't speak to the homeless. You see, homeless means no home; no home means no fireplace; no fireplace means no chimney; no chimney means no Santa. Bye-bye.
Danielle: But I wanted a candy cane for my stocking!
Vancome Lady: Yeah; that's so sweet; it's just that Santa can't fill a stocking when it's hanging from a rearview mirror, now can he?
Homeless Mother: But, uh, we're not homeless. No; we're not homeless.
[Homeless Mother and Danielle exit towards the elevator.]
Vancome Lady: Of course you're not. But thanks for stopping by to warm up here at Melberry's. Bye-bye. Merry Christmas.
[A third pair move to the front of a queue. It is a mother (Mary Scheer) and her son.]
Vancome Lady: Hello! Are you all set to have your picture taken with
Santa?
Boy: Yes.
Vancome Lady: Okay, you're gonna have to just step right this - (suddenly stops in her tracks) - whoa, is that a Star of David hanging around mommy's neck?
Jewish Mother: Yes it is; we're Jewish, but I thought it he could at least meet Santa.
Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - you know what? Un-uh! I'm sorry; I don't think this is gonna work out. You see, Santa doesn't like people who are Jewish. And do you know why?
Son (shaking his head): No.
Vancome Lady: Because your people killed Jesus! I'm so sorry. Bye-bye.
Jewish Mother: Everyone knows that Jesus was Jewish and the Romans killed Jesus...
Vancome Lady (singing, and drowning out Jewish Mother's comments): Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la - (covering her ears, in typical Vancome Lady style) lalalala lalalala
[Enter Santa, who now steps forward.]
Santa: Ho ho ho! What seems to be going on here?
Vancome Lady: Well, I don't know, Santa. There's a whole lot of hubbub going on here.
[An angry crowd has gathered, consisting of all the people the Vancome Lady turned away, plus a few others.]
Santa: That's it! Ho ho ho! This elf is going back to the North Pole, children. (Addressing the Vancome Lady:) Kathy, you are fired!
[The Vancome Lady pauses, tilts her head back slightly, rolls her eyes upward, and finally speaks.]
Vancome Lady: OK, well, thanks for employing me here at Melberry's, and thanks for letting me sit on your lap after work. (Santa seems taken aback, as if he's been found out.) Children, I am so sorry I couldn't show you Santa, but there's a very good reason. Do you know what it is?
Children (in unison): No.
Vancome Lady (pulling off Santa's beard): There is no Santa! Oh, Merry Christmas!
Santa: You - this is not what Christmas is about, young lady!
Vancome Lady (turning away, ignoring Santa, the crowd, and exiting via the elevator): Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa lalalala lalalala...
[The Vancome Lady turns back towards the audience, as the elevator doors close. Studio audience applauds; long shot of Santa and the others as picture fades to black]