[Opening: A men's locker room. Football players mill about, apparently
crestfallen after having lost an important game. The coach (Orlando Jones)
walks in to give the team a pep talk.]
[Opening: A men's locker room. Football players mill about, apparently
crestfallen after having lost an important game. The coach (Orlando Jones)
walks in to give the team a pep talk.]
Coach: OK men, listen up, men. I know it was a big loss. And I know it hurts, men. But we played our hearts out there! And I believe we still got a shot at the bowl game.
[In walks the Vancome Lady (Nicole Sullivan), attired in a cheap-looking pink outfit, her hair up in a bun in traditional Vancome style. A cameraman, with a camera on his shoulder, accompanies her.]
Vancome Lady: Hello there, boys. [Walks into the center of the locker room as the studio audience applauds and shouts.] Oh, pe-ew! What crawled up this locker room's ass and died?
Coach: OK men, the media is here, and I want you to put this loss behind you, you understand me?
Vancome Lady: OK, you know what? I think they can put their entire careers behind them? [Laughs. Turns to camera. Now we see the scene from the cameraman's perspective.] Hi. We're live here at the Carolina State Pit Bull's locker room - and if you ask me, we should do the humane thing and have them all destroyed! [Laughs.] OK, let's see if we can't get an interview with this gloomy gus over here. [Points to a dejected-looking player (Dave Herman) sitting on a locker room bench. She walks over to him and introduces him to the viewers.] This is Dan Conway, star quarterback - oh, my bad. Let's just say quarterback. OK, Dan, what's going on in that little head of yours - considering that you dedicated this game to your sick grandfather?
Dan: Well, all I can say is I gave one hundred ten percent, and grandpa, don't worry; there's always next week.
Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - you know what? Un-uh! yeah, no. Your grandfather checked out about halfway through the third quarter - right after you threw that fourth interception.
Dan: What?
Vancome Lady: Yeah; he must not know a lot about football because it was only second down when he kicked it.
Dan (apparently nonplussed): Grandpa? Grandpa?
Vancome Lady: OK, OK...
Dan (running off-camera): Grandpa!
Vancome Lady: OK, hope you have an easier time finding his gravesite than you did finding your receivers this afternoon, that's for sure! Ooooooh, that was fun! [Chuckles. Walking over to another player:] Oooh, goody! Let's see: we have the Pit Bulls' running back, Terry MacElroy. Terry, any comments on today's travesty?
Terry (Phil LaMarr): Well, first of all, I just want to thank God for giving me the [here Kathy chimes in, simultaneously saying everything Terry says] strength; win or lose, he's always with me; and mom, you're number one.
Vancome Lady: Yeah, that's original. You heard it here for the fifteenth million time! Wow! OK, Terry - what do you think was the teams biggest mistake out there today? Uh - besides showing up. [Chuckles.]
Terry: Look, all I know is, it's a great bunch of guys. We'd do anything for each other. We're like one big family.
Vancome Lady: OK, and what would that make you - the retarded secret they keep in the basement?
Terry: Hey, I don't have to stand here and take this!
Vancome Lady: Oh, no; you could fall down and take it, like you did all afternoon!
Terry: You know, I'm playing on a hurt knee!
Vancome Lady: Oh, you know, you're right: you did have one thing go right for you today.
Terry: Yeah.
Vamcome Lady: Your grandfather didn't die!
Dan (from offstage): Grandpa!
Terry: You know lady, you're way out of line. I'd like to see you try to do what we do and we -
Vancome Lady (drowning him out): Lalalala, lalalala...
Terry: Oh, forget it! [Walks offstage.]
Vancome Lady: Bye-bye. Thank you. OK. Shoo!
[The Vancome Lady walks up to another player, who apparently has just taken a shower
and is apparently naked. Looking at the player:] Wow! [Then looking down, towards
his groin:] OK, I guess that would be the down side of steroids,
now wouldn't it? Or maybe it's just cold in here? I don't know.
[The naked man walks away in disgust. The coach re-enters the locker room.]
Coach: OK, men, enough of these interviews! [To Kathy:] Ma'am, could you please turn off the camera?
Vancome Lady: OK, coach, that's not what you said last night!
Coach: OK, Kathy, could you give me a break here?
Vancome Lady: OK, coach, you know I think what your team needs is a great big cheer! [She stands in front of a few players:] OK, boys! Give me a U!
Players (in unison): U!
Vancome Lady: Give me a suck!
[The team starts to make a sibilant sound like they are starting to say "suck" but falls silent.]
Coach: C'mon men, huddle up here! Huddle up, huddle up!
Vancome Lady: OK coach -
Coach: Yeah?
Vancome Lady: Are you going to be giving them the same speech
you gave to your bookie last night? Now what was it that you said?
Oh: this team has no chance of winning; five grand says they don't cover the
spread. That was it.
Terry: Wait a minute: you mean you bet against us?
Coach: Men, next week's game is a Pit game!
Terry: Not for you it ain't! Nun-uh!
Coach (as about half a dozen players close in on him menacingly): Hold on men, men...
[The players push him to the ground and start beating him.]
Vancome Lady: Now that's what I like: some good old-fashioned teamwork! Yeah, hi. I'm signing out from the Pit Bulls' loser room; this is Kathy Wajanowsi reminding you to have your Pit Bull spayed or neutered, and tune in next week when you see the Pit Bulls lick themselves. Yeah, OK. Bye-bye. Shoo! Shoo!
[She turns away from the camera and walks away. Fade out.]