[Opening:
A jury deliberation room. A long table dominates the room; there is also a
credenza containing a coffee flask and some styrofoam cups. The jury foreman
(Phil LaMarr) is in the process of counting votes.][Opening:
A jury deliberation room. A long table dominates the room; there is also a
credenza containing a coffee flask and some styrofoam cups. The jury foreman
(Phil LaMarr) is in the process of counting votes.]
Foreman: OK, we've got eleven not guilties; one more and its unanimous. Who didn't vote?
[Suddenly, the Vancome Lady (Nicole Sullivan) enters the room, holding a "Guilty" sign. She is attired in a pink-red dress.]
Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - you know what? Un-uh! Dead man walking!
Foreman: You know, Kathy, all the rest of us happen to think the evidence points to him being not guilty. What are you basing this decision on?
Vancome Lady: Did you catch his name? Guido Chicarelli? (She rubs her finger against her nose indicating that what she is insinuating is best left unsaid.) Hmmm...(she chuckles).
[A bespectacled juror with a distinctly Southern accent (Chris Hogan) chimes in.]
Southern Juror: You can't base your decision merely on the fact that the man's an Italian!
Vancome Lady: Did his people get to you, too, Mr. Magoo? Oh, he's probably wearing a wire. If you are, cross your eyes. [The man moves his eyeballs towards his nose, to make it clear that he is not wearing a wire.] Oh. My bad.
[An portly juror (Will Sasso) enters the debate.]
Portly Juror: How can you possibly believe that this man is guilty? He's accused of strangling a man; he's only got one arm.
Vancome Lady: So sorry there, Columbo.
Portly Juror: Dumbrowski. The name is Edward Dumbrowski.
Vancome Lady: OK, then let me speak very slowly. Watching an hour of Court TV does not make you an expert!
Portly Juror: He clearly didn't do it - can we just get on with this?
Vancome Lady: What's the rush, there, buddy; is your family stuck on an escalator? Get it? Because you can walk off an esca - it's a joke. [She taps the cranium of one of the adjacent jurors, a balding man.] Tap, tap - is this thing on? Just kidding.
Portly Man: You know what? I need a break from this.
Vancome Lady: Whoa, everybody to the other side of the room, quick before we tip over!
Portly Man: Lady, I hope for your sake I never see you on the outside.
Vancome Lady: And I hope for my sake I never see you in Spandex!
[A rather butch-looking female juror (Debra Wilson) speaks up.]
Butch Juror: Please, can we just get on with this!
Vancome Lady: Hey, what's the rush, K.D. Lang - got a sale on vests somewhere?
Butch Juror: You know, this is exactly what happened at lunch. Everyone else wanted to order Chinese food - except you!
Vancome Lady: OK, excuse me, but I don't want to eat cat for lunch! I mean, who would want to eat kitty? [Pause.] Oh, boy, is my face red.
Butch Juror (rising to her feet and pointing a finger at Kathy): Are you accusing me of being a lesbian?
Vancome Lady: Well, if the clog fits -
Butch Juror: I am not gay!
Vancome Lady: Of course not - but your husband, Mindy, is.
Butch Juror: You little bitch!
Foreman: OK, alright.
Butch Juror (sitting down): I'm sorry, everyone. Excuse me. Slip of the tongue.
Vancome Lady: I appreciate the offer, but no thanks, Ellen!
Foreman: You know, you're just wasting everybody's time! I mean, the evidence is incredibly clear. The guy has three witnesses, an airtight alibi...
Vancome Lady (drowning him out): OK, I can't hear you. Lalalala, lalalala...
Foreman: God, that's annoying! Does anyone else want to change their vote?
Butch juror: Not unless we're going to here evidence that's gonna indite this young man!
Vancome Lady: Well, butchie, he's a man; isn't that enough for you? OK, let me tell you how I see the case. We got one guy -
Other Jurors (in unison, drowning out the Vancome Lady): Lalalala, lalalala...
Vancome Lady: Holy cow, that is annoying!
Butch Juror: So I guess, then, we're deadlocked.
Vancome Lady: Or in your case, dreadlocked! [She leans over the head of the balding juror.] Don't forget to tip your waitress.
Foreman: Alright, I'm gonna go call the van. Looks like we're gonna be sequestered for the night.
Southern Juror: We're gonna have to spend the night with this woman?
Vancome Lady: Oh, this is gonna be fun! OK, small warning, I do talk in my sleep, and I know it's gonna seem hard to believe, but in the morning, I can be a little bit bitchy.
Other Jurors (in unison): Re-vote!
Vancome Lady: OK.
[The jurors quickly write a verdict on slips of paper and hand them to the foreman.]Foreman (reading the slips of paper): Guilty, guilty, guilty - [Pause for dramatic effect, then, making eye contact with the Vancome Lady] Kathy?
[The Vancome Lady holds up a "Not Guilty" sign.]
Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - you know what? Un-uh! My house is being fumigated. I need a place to stay.
[A few jurors slam their fists down on the table; others merely bury their heads in their hands in disgust. Fade into next scene.]