[Opening: A bank.
There is a counter which dominates the room; behind it stand three bank employees.
There are two computer monitors behind the counter. Four additional bank employees
are seated on the floor in front of the counter: a robbery is in progress. A
man with a stocking over his head clad in camoflauge pants and wielding a
shotgun is in the process of herding together all the hostages.]
Bank Robber [to one of the seated hostages, who was attempting to get up]: Hey! Stay down or I'll kill you! [To one of the other employees: ] Are you sure that's everyone? They're all here? Every single one?
[The Vancome Lady (Nicole Sullivan) emerges from an adjacent room. The bank robber turns 180 degrees to face her.]
Vancome Lady: Hi! Welcome to First United Bank. I'll be your customer service representative. How may I help you?
Bank Robber: Get the hell down! [Points towards the floor with his gun.]
Vancome Lady: OK. Shaaaah - you know what? Un-uh! Yeah, no. If you're gonna be rude, you're not gonna get your free refrigerator magnet! But thanks for stopping by First United, and I hope you have a nice day! OK! Take care! Bye-bye!
Bank Robber: Lady, shut up and get down with the others!
Vancome Lady: OK, I don't eat lunch with them, so I'm certainly not going to sit on the floor with them!
[An old woman (Mary Scheer) seated on the floor speaks:]
Old Woman: He's taking us hostage, you idiot!
Vancome Lady: Was I talking to the old maid from the loans department? I don't think so! Look, I know you never married and you're bitter, but calling me names isn't gonna get you a husband, now is it? No!
Bank Robber: Shut up and sit down now, I gotta think here! I gotta think!
Vancome Lady: Ooooh, that's going to be very hard for you, I'm sure; you're obviously scared and stupid!
Old Woman [to Vancome Lady]: You're gonna get us all killed! The new girl's gonna get us all killed!
Bank Robber [pointing the rifle a few inches from old woman's face]: Will you shut up, too?!
[A phone on a desk next to the Vancome Lady starts ringing.]
Bank Robber: Don't answer that! [Defying the bank robber's orders, the Vancome Lady answers the phone.] Don't! What did I say -
Vancome Lady: Hello, thank you for calling First United Bank; how may I help you? [Pause.] Yes, officer, there is a gentleman with a gun here, but you know what? Our hours are ten to six; I'm afraid you'll have to call back -
[Finally, the robber grabs the phone from the Vancome Lady.]
Bank Robber: You - give me that! Go sit down with the others!
Vancome Lady [walking towards the counter:] Alright...
[The Vancome Lady saunters towards the other hostages, but she does not sit down.]
Bank Robber [into phone]: Hello, my name is Ray. [Pause.] Hi. Good, good. [Hangs up the phone. He walks towards the Vancome Lady and points his gun in her face, menacingly.] OK. They're sending someone in, so I want everyone to shut up!
[A plainclothes policewoman (Debra Wilson) of about average height walks in, with her hands raised. She is wearing a brown jacket and blue jeans.]
Officer Bradley: Hello, Ray? [She walks into the bank.] Hi; I'm Officer Bradley and I'm here to negotiate with you, and I'm totally unarmed, OK?
Bank Robber [patting her down to check for weapons]: OK, nobody gets hurt if you do what I say, alright? [The officer nods.]
Vancome Lady: OK, you know what? Yeah, no; you're not gonna do as a hostage negotiator, but thanks so much for stopping by First United! OK! Take care! Bye-bye!
Officer Bradley: What, what are you, what are you talking about?
Vancome Lady: Ma'am, you obviously have no respect for these hostages. Don't you understand "plainclothes cop" doesn't necessarily mean [gestures with hands] plainclothes?
Old Woman [hitting the Vancome Lady gently in the leg]: Be courteous to the fine girl!
Officer Bradley: Ma'am, why don't you just calm down, and let me handle this?
Bank Robber: Yeah, will you let her handle this?
Old Woman: Let her handle this.
Vancome Lady: OK, grandma, you're not gonna live very much longer, so I don't see what you're so concerned about.
Bank Robber [to officer]: I want a car escort to the airport, a million dollars in cash, and a fully fueled plane.
Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - you know what?
Bank Robber: What? What now?
Vancome Lady: Un-uh! Yeah, no. He's obviously bluffing. See, he hasn't
even killed a hostage, and he's making demands - he definitely should have
killed someone first!
Bank Robber [obviously angered, points the gun at the Vancome Lady, as the others look on in horror:] How about I kill you? How about I kill you?
Vancome Lady [trying to drown him out, puts her fingers in her ears in classic Vancome style:] Lalalala, lalalala lalalala...
[Old Woman rises, standing next to Bank Robber, who lowers the gun from the Vancome Lady's face and she motions downward with her hands.]
Bank Robber [to officer]: Look, I am not going to kill anyone if I don't have to.
Vancome Lady [to robber]: But if you have to, you might want to start with her. [Points at old woman.]
Old Woman [grabbing the rifle from the bank robber]: That does it! Let me handle this. OK, here are my demands: I want you outta here!
Bank Robber: Yeah. Shoo! Shoo!
Officer Bradley: Well?
Vancome Lady: OK. It looks like all of your banking needs have been taken care of. [She starts walking towards the exit.] Thanks so much for stopping at First United, and thanks for not blowing my brains out. Hope you all have a nice day. Take care. Bye bye.
Old Woman [handing the rifle back to the bank robber]: I believe this is yours.
Bank Robber: Thank you.
[A man, presumably a police officer, speaks through a PA system or megaphone. He cannot be seen but can be heard, coming from somewhere offstage.]
Voice Over PA System: Ray, we've got the money, cars...What the, what the f...[Suddenly, the Vancome Lady takes over PA system:]
Vancome Lady [offstage]: Chaaaah - you know what? He's a cold-blooded killer and he's not giving up! Better send in the swat team! Bye-bye.
Bank Robber [to all]: Hit the deck!
[Officer Bradley, Old Woman and Bank Robber all lie face-down on the floor as the sound of gunfire fills the room. The camera pans out so we can see that the bank lobby is just a set; it pans further so we can see the studio audience and the end of the sketch shown on several closed circuit monitors. Slow fade into the next sketch...]