Opening: The emergency room in
a hospital. A corridor terminates with a pair of swinging doors from which
the emergency room can be accessed from outside. On the right is a side exit,
apparenly leading into the hospital. On the left is a
reception desk. A few attendants cross the room. Tonight seems relatively
quiet, but suddenly, a very pregnant woman (Mary Scheer) bursts in,
short of breath, apparently in labor. She approaches the reception
desk.
Pregnant Woman: Please! I need a doctor!
[The receptionist (Nicole Sullivan), who had been facing away from the camera, turns around. She is same woman who had been a cosmetics clerk in the first "Vancome Lady" sketch, but now she is wearing a nurse's uniform and has a stethoscope draped around her neck, and she no longer wears her hair down, but has it neatly coiffed in a sort of beehive hairdo.]
Vancome Lady: Hi! Welcome to Sisters of Mercy Hospital. How may I help you?
Pregnant Woman: I'm going to have a baby and it's two months early! [She winces with pain.]
Vancome Lady: The doctor is very busy, but let me ask you a few quick questions. Do you have any health insurance?
Pregnant Woman: Yes, White Cross.
Vancome Lady: Alright, and can you give me your husband's name so we can contact him?
Pregnant Woman: I'm not married!
Vancome Lady (after a brief pause): Shaaaaah - you know what? Un uh! I'm sorry, but we can't admit you.
Pregnant Woman (surprised): What?
Vancome Lady: I am so sorry, but we here at Sisters of Mercy don't condone bastard children. But you know what? County Hospital would be more than happy to help you! Thanks for stopping by Sisters of Mercy. [The pregnant woman, who appears to be nonplussed by the Vancome Lady's unique brand of hospitality, makes her way towards the exit.] Take care! Bye bye. Thank you. Shoo! Bye bye. OK. Bye bye.
[The pregnant woman exits. A woman (Debra Wilson) and a man (Phil LaMarr) burst into the emergency room via the same entrance. The woman is supporting the man, who appears to badly injured. The man's clothes are soaked with blood, although, curiously enough, there does not appear to be any blood on the woman's clothes. The woman appears to be distraught as she approaches the reception desk.]
Distraught Woman: Somebody help my husband! Hurry! Please!
Vancome Lady: Hi! Welcome to Sisters of Mercy Hospital. How may I help you?
Distraught Woman: We were driving down the highway, and a car coming at us crashed, and then we...
Vancome Lady (cutting her off): OK, we're calming down, [makes downward gesture with hands] we're calming down, [pause] and now we're calm. [To husband: ] Sir, may I ask you your name?
Husband: [mutters something unintelligible]
Vancome Lady: OK, sir, sir, sorry, I'm going to have to ask you to enunciate.
Distraught Woman: Bob Elder!
Vancome Lady: You know what? I was asking him. OK, sir, can you tell me your blood type?
Husband: [mutters something unintelligible]
Distraught Woman: A negative! Please hurry - he's a hemophiliac!
Vancome Lady: A hemophiliac?
Distraught Woman: Yes!
Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - you know what?
Distraught Woman: What?
Vancome Lady: Un uh! I'm sorry, but we can't admit him.
Distraught Woman: What do you mean, you can't admit him?
Vancome Lady: You see, he's a hemophiliac, and we here at Sisters of Mercy don't condone that lifestyle choice. I'm so sorry.
Distraught Woman: Are you crazy? You've got to do something! The bleeding won't stop!
Vancome Lady: OK, ma'am, I can't talk to you when you're screaming at me.
Distraught Woman: I'm not screaming at you! I'm not screaming; don't tell me I'm screaming...
Vancome Lady (covering her ears and drowning out the woman's response): Lalala, lalala, lalala...Bye Bye. Thank you.
[A youngish doctor (David Herman) enters the room, watching the
proceedings for a moment before intervening]
Doctor (to Vancome Lady): What the hell are you doing? You just turned away a dying man! [To attendants: ] Someone help him.
Distraught Woman: Thank you, oh God, thank you!
[The husband is placed in a wheelchair by an attendant and a nurse and wheeled away; the distraught woman, her husband, and the two attendants all exit.]Vancome Lady: Good evening, Doctor Gruber.
Doctor: That's it. You're fired. Leave now.
Vancome Lady: And what about us?
Doctor: We're through [He exits through the side door.]
Vancome Lady [apparently addressing the doctor, even though he has already left the room:] OK. So sorry it didn't work out. [Makes downward gestures with hands.] But thanks for letting me sleep with you, and thanks for letting me work here at Sisters of Mercy Hospital.
[Suddenly, a distraught man (Bryan Callen) enters the hospital, holding out his left arm.]
Man: Please! You got to help me! Please! I can't take it anymore - it keeps spreading!
Vancome Lady: OK, sir, why don't you calm down and talk like a normal human being?
Man (exposing the upper part of his left arm, which is covered with red scabs): I think I got that flesh-eating thing!
Vancome Lady: Oh - and that's very contagious now, isn't it - yes; it sure is!
[Man nods his head in concurrence.]
Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - you know what? Uh-huh! Doctor Gruber would be happy to see you! [Points to the room into which Gruber exited:] Just go right through those doors and give him a great big hug!
Man (staggering towards the other room): Thank you!
Vancome Lady: You're very welcome. [Man exits into other room. A cry of anguish is heard offstage, presumably Doctor Gruber getting his comeuppance.] And bye-bye, Doctor Gru-ber.
[She slings her purse over her back and leaves the reception desk, exiting the hospital. Fade to black.]