Opening:
A typical casino. A juggler walks past as a woman (Mary
Scheer) sits at a table and plays blackjack. She is an older woman,
of perhaps late middle age; she has dark hair and glasses and smokes
a cigarette while drinking.Opening:
A typical casino. A juggler walks past as a woman (Mary
Scheer) sits at a table and plays blackjack. She is an older woman,
of perhaps late middle age; she has dark hair and glasses and smokes
a cigarette while drinking.
Woman: Deal again.
Dealer: I'm sorry. I'm off duty now.
Woman (somewhat annoyed): Well, if you're going, go! Cards! I need cards!
[The dealer exits and a new dealer arrives; it is Kathy, a.k.a. the Vancome Lady (Nicole Sullivan). She is wearing a gold lame outfit and a headpiece with a purple feather. The uniform shows some amount of cleavage; she is also wearing matching gold lipstick with particularly gaudy effect. A name tag over her right breast reads "Kathy." She saunters over to the table.]
Vancome Lady: Hello and welcome to the Carny Time Hotel and Casino, a subsidiary of the Gambino Olive Oil and Cheese Importing Company and Tacahito Entertainment; how may I help you?
Woman: How do you think, stupid? Deal! I've been waiting for over thirty seconds!
Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - I just wanted to give your liver time to cool off.
Woman: Listen, sushi lips, cut the chatter and - hit me.
Vancome Lady: Well, if I had a sock of quarters, maybe I could work something out.
Woman: Haha! You're a caution. Hit me.
[The Vancome Lady deals the cards.]
Vancome Lady: Oh. Bust.
Woman: Ah! Dang!
[A black man (Orlando Jones) and a black woman (Debra Wilson) make their way over to the blackjack table.]
Black Man (to black woman): Ow! Baby! This is our lucky night! [He kisses the woman.] Ow!
Vancome Lady: OK, James Brown, do you wanna have a seat, or are you and Whoopi just here for the free drinks?
Black Man: Me and my lovely bride - [he kisses her again as he sits down at the table] - are here to take all your lovely cash money.
Woman: Why don't you three get a room?
Vancome Lady (to woman): OK, why don't you iron your face before you go out in public? [Deals.] OK, and the liquor sponge busts, and [dealing to black couple] the Jeffersons are moving on u-up! [Short pause] And over twenty-one!
Black Woman: Oh! Damn!
Vancome Lady (To black woman): So sorry, Weezie, you've been cancelled!
Black Man (to Vancome Lady): Young lady, do you know realize with whom you are speaking?
Vancome Lady (to Black Man): I'm sorry, I must have missed that episode of Cops.
Woman: Shut up, you hapless q-tip and deal!
Vancome Lady: OK, Ma'am, do you mind shaking your face - we seem to be missing a couple of aces. [Woman pouts in recognition of the Vancome Lady's latest insult.] OK, [dealing to woman] and we're losing, [dealing to black couple] and we're losing, and we've lost!
Black Man (to his wife): Damn, baby, why you got me pussyfooting around? Let's bet it all! [He pushes forward his tray of chips.]
Black Woman: OK!
[Arab man (Artie Lange) walks up to table. He is wearing a head covering but is otherwise dressed in standard Western business attire and sports a beard and is carrying a big bucket of chips. He approaches table.]
Arab Man (placing some coins on the table): You may deal at me the blackjack!
Vancome Lady: It would be my pleasure Abdul! I hope that's not one of our pillowcases on your head!
Arab Man: Uh - I do not understand. Teach me the blackjack - how much to bet.
Vancome Lady: OK, you put these thousand dollar chips here [points to table], I keep taking them 'til they're all gone!
Woman: Oh, just park your ass and get on with it!
Vancome Lady (while dealing): OK, ma'am, I'm sorry, there are no leather bags allowed on the - [pause] oh, I'm sorry; I didn't know that was your hand. [Black woman guffaws in appreciation of this insult.] OK, [dealing to woman] and the bottom feeder loses, [dealing to Arab] Ali Baba loses, [dealing to black couple] and -
Black Man: C'mon; let's do it!
Vancome Lady (dealing card): Twenty-one!
Black Man: Ow! baby, we won! [He kisses his wife; they high-five each other and hug.]
Vancome Lady: Shaaaah - you know what? Un-uh! See, here at the Carny Time Hotel and Casino, a tie goes to the house - which means it'll be a long time before you can afford one. Thank you very much.
Black Woman: You lost all our money! We don't have anything!
[The Black Woman is still chastising and hitting her husband as they leave the table.]
Vancome Lady: Shoo! Shoo! OK, [dealing] so two cards for the sack of fat, and two cards for Arafat! Hit or stand?
Arab Man: Uh - what does it mean when cards add to twenty-one?
Vancome Lady: It means you say, "hit me!"
Arab Man: Hit me!
Vancome Lady (with an expression of phony regret): Oh! Twenty-eight and twenty-two. Too bad, Sinbad!
Arab Man: Ha ha ha! I play good! You take chips. You are good at dealing the blackjack. Perhaps you would like to be wife number four?
Vancome Lady:
Shaaaah - you know what? Un-uh! Oh, let me say it in words
you could understand: [She says something sounding vaguely Arabic. The
caption on the screen reads, "I'd rather be pumped by one of your oil
wells."]
Arab Man (Visibly angry): How dare you insult my country, my race, my religion! You are rude lady! [Leaves table.] Where is Wayne Newton? [He exits.]
Vancome Lady: Thanks so much for stopping by, sheik! Love your condoms!
[A well-dressed man with a bow-tie (Kevin McDonald) sits down at the table. He has a name tag on and is obviously some sort of supervisor.]
Boss: Kathy, I've been watching you. You've cheated, insulted and deceived people all night long. As far as I'm concerned you're - the best damn dealer I've ever seen! We're moving you to the ten-thousand dollar table.
Vancome Lady: Well, Christmas on a cracker, that's certainly a change of pace, now isn't it? [Sighs. Almost sotto to boss:] Do I still have to sleep with ya?
Boss: Yeah.
Vancome Lady: OK. Bye-bye. Thank you. OK.
Woman: Congratulations, kid; I knew you'd make it.
Vancome Lady: Thanks, mom.
Woman: Deal!
[The camera zooms out, showing the Vancome Lady dealing cards to her mother as her mom takes another drag on her cigarette. The juggler walks by again as the scene fades out.]