Nicole Sullivan on Hot Properties.

Nicole Sullivan is now part of the cast of the new ABC sitcom Hot Properties, which currently airs on ABC at 9:30 PM Eastern Time/8:30 PM Central Time. The cast also features Gail O'Grady (in the starring role as Ava Summerlin, the owner of a New York City real estate agency), Sofia Vergara as Lola Hernandez, and Christina Moore as Emerson Ives. Nicole Sullivan plays the role of Chloe Reid

The pilot episode does not waste time in introducing us to the main characters. Then again, the writers don't have much choice, since this program clocks in at twenty minutes and twenty-seven seconds, which I suppose means that we should expect less from network television, both quantitatively and qualitatively. [In comparison, an episode of the classic series Hancock's Half Hour which I recently obtained clocked in at twenty-nine minutes and forty-three seconds. I know these matters are likely beyond the control of the creative forces behind the show, but I think it is a valid criticism nonetheless.] It is soon established that all four of these women have issues. Ava is married to a twenty-five year old and is going to be artificially inseminated. Chloe is generally slutty and is a self-help addict (in the pilot, she effusively praises a book called "He's Just Not That Into You", which apparently is the title of an actual book. Lola has just terminated a ten-year marriage to a gay man and is working on sharpening her "gaydar" as she begins dating again. And Emerson is engaged to a man who claims to be a virgin but who slept with both Ava and Chloe (he doesn't remember sleeping with Chloe, though). All four women treat Oprah as a god and the show quickly degenerates into a "workplace" comedy that revolves around the personal lives of the main protagonists.

Another screen shot from Hot Properties, featuring a rather forlorn-looking Nicole Sullivan. Perhaps she just watched an episode of Hot Properties?

My first reaction to this program was to ask myself, "[d]o people really want to spend a half-hour [well, twenty and a half minutes minus commercials] watching four women kvetch about men?" If the Neilsen ratings for the pilot are any indication, the answer is "no" - the show pulled in a rather paltry 4.2 rating with a 7 share, placing ABC in third place for the 9:30 time slot. Still, Sex And The City, which Hot Properties seems to be modeled on [most critics seem to agree on this one, and I have to take their word on this, as I've never seen the show - well actually I saw part of an episode in which Cynthia Nixon was breast-feeding a baby, which ruined my appetite that night, but that's another story for another day] seemed to be quite popular, so maybe it's an issue of execution. Perhaps the problem here is a gender gap, as the show seems to be geared more towards women. On the other hand, I wouldn't be inclined to watch a show that featured four neurotic men kvetching about women, although such a show would probably be more interesting than Hot Properties, since as far as I know it's never been done before.

Part of the problem of Hot Properties is the limitations of the sitcom format itself, which the show doesn't do a very good job of overcoming. Most of the themes that are explored in a sitcom (e.g. a teenager engaging in behavior that is prohibited by parents, a long-lost relative comes to visit) have been reused ad infinitum since the 1960's. Most of the jokes have been recycled as well. There are a few good lines in the pilot, though. At one point, in which Ava and Chloe are about to confront Emerson's fiancee, Chloe confides to Ava that she is still attracted to him. Ava: "He's unavailable and not interested." Chloe: "And what woman could resist that?" Such highlights notwithstanding, however, getting through the pilot without laughing out loud was pretty easy - easier, for example, than listening to an Olivia Newton-John album.

The principal actresses all seem competent, especially Nicole Sullivan, who seems to get some of the best lines. But the material is at best derivative and at worst abysmal. If ratings do not improve, this show will likely be history, as in "A Brief History Of Short-Lived Nicole Sullivan Shows." Nevertheless, it will probably be remembered as a program that represented the final step away from ABC's once family-friendly Friday fare. (What sadness! What alliteration!) Urkel, Urkel, we hardly knew ye!

Ratings for Hot Properties

On November 15, 2005, ABC gave Hot Properties a trial run on Tuesday night, and here's how it fared:

Comments (October 23, 2005): No improvement ratings-wise in week three of the series, and since I have not yet screened the episode, I cannot comment on whether the program improved from an artistic standpoint. I have screened the first five minutes of the second episode, however, and I noted (a) a joke in which the plastic surgeon notes that he saw tears on Lola's breasts (the writers were apparently so impressed with this one that they recycled it from the pilot episode - the use of the word "recycle" is a rather precise usage, since recycling is something that one does with garbage) and (b) a cringe-inducing joke about "choking the chicken." Otherwise, this episode looks like it has a bit more potential than the pilot; I'll have to screen the rest of it and report back. Apparently, a total of thirteen episodes of this show have been ordered, and the show is in the listings for the next two weeks. Nevertheless, I think the show being pulled for November sweeps at least a 50/50 proposition.

Comments (November 8, 2005): Yowsa: it looks like ratings have improved slightly, although before anyone gets too excited about the show's October 28th showing, let's note that their 2nd-place tie came with CBS running a rerun of Threshold in the 9:00 PM time slot. The official status of Hot Properties is "on the fence," so it looks like the program will have to make at least a respectable showing during November sweeps if ABC is to order a full season.

Comments (November 13, 2005): It looks like the show is maintaining its hold on third place. I finished watching the second episode last night; it turned out to be better than the first episode. After getting off to a bad start, there were actually some good scenes involving Chloe (Sullivan) and her mother (played by Christine Estabrook, whose main claim to fame is a role in The Usual Suspects, although she more recently has had a recurring guest role on Desperate Housewives), who is visiting because Chloe called her up one night while drunk - an incident that might be considered fairly innocuous, but during the call, Chloe begged for her eighth grade boyfriend's phone number. Chloe thinks her mother was a bad parent; Ava advises against Chloe telling her mother her opinion of her parenting, but Chloe tells her off anyway - only to do a complete 180 when her mother breaks down and cries. This week, it's going to air on Tuesday at 8:30 PM, so we'll see how well it does in a different time slot.

Comments (November 17, 2005): In its trial run on Tuesday, Hot Properties notched a 4.6 rating, which represents its highest rating to date. Still, one would think that ABC was probably hoping for something a little better than a fourth place showing. Moreover, Hot Properties lost eight tenths of a point from its lead-in, According To Jim (the continuing existence of the latter program is an indication of the hard times upon which ABC has fallen and suggests that Hot Properties may have a fighting chance after all). The show might do well enough in its 9:30 Friday time slot to justify its existence. Still, I can't imagine that whatever ABC executive has authority to order another 13 episodes of the series would be in a hurry to do so. I just checked The Futon Critic web site, and as of November 4, Hot Properties is listed under "No Additional Episodes Or Scripts Ordered" - so my guess is that ABC burns through the remaining unaired episodes, and then pulls the plug.

Comments (November 23, 2005): Hot Properties has failed to improve its standing even against relatively soft competition such as Dateline NBC. This cannot help its chances of getting renewed for a full season. I burned a DVD of the first eight episodes, so maybe I'll watch one or two this weekend.

Comments (December 1, 2005): Hot Properties helped give the term "Black Friday" new meaning. After all, not only did the program fail to improve its ratings, but the November 25th airing was also the final episode to air before ABC decided to pull the plug on Properties. I wonder if this has anything to do with news that sales of existing homes in the United States fell by 2.7 percent in October, which perhaps signals the end of the current housing boom. [Therefore, the value of Properties is in decline! Work with me, people.] You can read more about the cancellation of the show at The Futon Critic; the article goes into some detail on the numbers, noting, for example, that the show, if nothing else, retained about 88 percent of the Hope And Faith audience, although the idea that most people who watched Hope And Faith didn't dislike Hot Properties enough to bother switching channels or turning of the television isn't much of an endorsement. There's no word yet on the fate of the four hitherto unaired episodes of Hot Properties, although an episode ("It's A Wonderful Christmas Carol On 34th Street") is scheduled for December 9th. [Presumably, due to the seasonal nature of this episode, it will air on its scheduled date, but I doubt the other three episodes will ever see the light of day.] This leaves Nicole Sullivan without a regular role on any prime time network show, and me with this web site and a DVD full of as-yet unwatched Hot Properties episodes.

Video clips (in Windows Media 8.0 format):

• The pilot episode. (20 minutes 27 seconds; 6.3 MB) Bad news: Ava and Chloe (Sullivan) have both slept with a client's fiancee. Even worse news: Chloe is still attracted to him. OAD: October 7, 2005.

Additional resources:

• Metacritic's collection of Hot Properties reviews. Most of these reviews are negative, but a few of them had a more favorable view of the program than I did. Check out the user comments as well. My personal favorite: Amber gave it a 2 - "This was too bad for even me to love, and I live on bad tv. HORRIBLE."
• Even more reviews of Hot Propeties. This time they come courtesy of Sitcoms Online.
• ABC's official Hot Properties website. I don't know how long they'll keep it there, but here's the link anyway.
• TV.com's Hot Properties page. Contains episode summaries and user comments.
• Epguides.com's Hot Properties episode guide. This is the definitive Hot Proprties episode guide.

   Appendix A - History of This Page

Version 1.00 (October 16, 2005) - First posting.

Version 1.01 (October 17, 2005) - Added video clip of pilot episode.

Version 1.02 (October 23, 2005) - Ratings update with comments.

Version 1.03 (November 13, 2005) - Ratings update with comments.

Version 1.04 (November 17, 2005) - Ratings update with comments.

Version 1.05 (November 23, 2005) - Ratings update with comments.

Version 1.06 (December 1, 2005) - Ratings/cancellation update; added a links section.