[Opening: The Mad TV set. At first, nobody is there, but then
the door opens and Nicole Sullivan enters, seemingly ebullient.]
[Opening: The Mad TV set. At first, nobody is there, but then
the door opens and Nicole Sullivan enters, seemingly ebullient.]
Nicole Sullivan: Hi, I'm Nicole Sullivan. You know, after you spend a few weeks with people, you really get to know who they are, and now that I've done that here on Mad-TV, well, um, it's time to move on. It's not that I don't like the show. It's just that, well, I've dated everyone, and there's no one here for me. I mean, O.K., Orlando -- big beautiful eyes, nice ass. I don't need the competition. And David Herman - put a club on that tongue, 'cause it's going to get you arrested, OK? Uh, Phil - he's supportive, he's caring, he really loves me. (Pause.) No. Uh, Artie. Artie. Breakfast would have been nice. And Bryan -- maybe smelling like smoked turkey in France is cool, but...no. O.K., then there's Mary and Debra. O.K. That's fun for one night, but I'm looking long-term. Why couldn't I be on a show with some cute guys? But here, it's like "Oh, gee, Nicole, come be on our show. It'll be fun." I mean, have you seen what the people who run this show look like? I mean, give me something to work with. I don't want to be here. I want to be on E.R. Dr. Carter would go out with me. Watch, watch. I can do it. Quick, Nurse Hathaway. We need you in O.R. 2 stat. See? I can do it. I can do it.
Voice offstage: Nicole, please.
Nicole Sullivan: Or even Sixty Minutes. I like older men. Watch. I can do this. Hi, I'm Morley Safer. Hi, I'm Ed Bradley. Hi, I'm Nicole Sullivan, and this is Sixty Minutes. See? I could do it.
Voice offstage: Nicole.
Nicole Sullivan: Or, wait. Party of Five Now there's a show with
some cute guys. Watch, watch. Oh, Charlie, we don't have enough money for
rent. See? I could do it.
Voice offstage: O.K., Nicole, you want to be on Party of Five, you've got it.
Nicole Sullivan: What?
Voice offstage: You've got your wish. Goodbye.
Nicole Sullivan: Oh, cool. Watch out, 'cause it's going to be a party of six. Oh, yes! Yes! Cool!
[She runs off the set as the scene fades out.]
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