"Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice." - Barry Goldwater, 1964
"I find that no matter how big you get, it's important to keep a small mind." - Darlene McBride, 1998
Darlene McBride, one of the many recurring characters played by Nicole Sullivan on Mad TV, is a country music singer whose political views are so right-wing, she makes Trent Lott look like a liberal Democrat. We are not sure what she does in her spare time, but there are rumours she has been sighted at auctions of Nazi memorabilia, where she regularly outbids Marge Schott. In any case, let's take a moment to pay tribute to Darlene McBride, Pat Buchanan's favourite country music singer, and America's answer to Adolf Hitler.
Oh, Injun loved his fire-water,
And on it, he spent every quarter,
And then when he ran out of dough,
He thought of a scam to make some 'mo,
And called it B-I-N-G-O,
B-I-N-G-O,
B-I-N-G-O,
Those Injuns thought of bingo.
How me love gambling, kemo-sabe!
Clinton's pants are falling down,
Falling down,
Falling down.
Clinton's pants are falling down,
Look out, ladies.
Take your daughters and lock them up,
Lock them up,
Lock them up.
Else the prez will knock them up,
Impeach Clinton.
(And that's not a fruit - that's a jail sentence *.)
God loves the NRA,
He told it to me yesterday,
He spelled it out with bullets in the sky,
He's sitting up in heaven,
With his AK-47,
He's a rough-and-ready macho kind of guy.
What's so bad about the back of the bus,
You still have a seat just like the rest of us,
I don't understand all of the fuss,
About sitting in the back of the bus.
Nothing would be finer,
Than to drop a bomb on China,
In the morning.
Nothing would be sweeter,
Than to shoot a welfare cheater,
In the morning.
Hey Senorita,
Put down that fajita,
Don't tell me you're eating for two,
Before you break water,
I've got an order than I'm gonna give to you,
Get your butt back to Mexico,
Adios and that's that,
Get your butt back to Mexico,
And then have your brat.
Mi casa no es su casa, ya hear?
I don't brake for hippies,
That's the sticker on my car,
Every time I hit one,
I give myself a star.
Hey there, Miss baby killer,
Are you having yourself a good day?
Hey there, Miss baby killer,
Who'd you kill today?
I'll be workin' on Martin Luther King Day,
I have a plane to Phoenix; no fed better get in my way,
'Cause I'll be workin' on Martin Luther King Day.
(Yeah - that's my dream!)
God is watching you,
God is watching you,
And he's waiting to get even.
He's got a bullet for Billy,
A tumor for Bob,
An axe in the head for Marie.
Cancer for Alice,
Gonnorhea for Sue,
I wonder what he's got for you.
Well Miss Jane Fonda is working out,
Getting everybody thin,
But I remember her bending over,
For Mister Ho Chi Minh,
Hanoi Jane,
Hanoi Jane,
You'll always be a commie in my brain.
I like my men straight just like my whiskey,
No fruity drink with parasol for me,
You'd better be a normal kind of guy,
If you wanna get inside of me.
* Actually, it isn't. Webster's Unabridged Dictionary defines "impeach" as "to charge with a crime or misdemeanor; to make charges of misconduct against a public officer before a competent tribunal." Under the U.S. Constitution, judgement in cases of impeachment "shall not extend further than to removal from Office, and disqualification to hold and enjoy any Office of honor, Trust or Profit under the United States..."
I would like to take this opportunity to also make note of another error I noticed on Mad TV. In the Christmas 1995 episode, the opening segment is about a surprise birthday party for Jesus. When they see him coming, they all hide, and he walks in; then they yell "Surprise!" Later, Debra Wilson says, "I thought you were black." This clearly implies that she did not know what color his skin was; if she did not know this, this further implies that she did not know what he looked like. But if she did not know what he looked like, how did she (and the others) know to hide when they saw him coming? You would have to come up with a pretty convoluted explanation to justify this one.
Please send any further Mad TV errors to Number Six.